Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Romeo Railway

If you’re a young single person, and you live in the suburbs, you’re a moron.  I’m sure, for millennials, moving to the burbs often makes financial sense, but at the cost of being castrated socially. For some reason, my generation is obsessed with large luxurious apartments. Making that apartment happen, after majoring in a worthless degree, is only possible in the burbs.  My peers justify it with the lamest of arguments.  “It’s only a 15 minute train ride away” or, “I can always take a cab if I get too wasted” or, “there’s too many people downtown, it’s cramped”

They don’t take the train into town, they don’t take a cab, they don’t think it’s too cramped.

The really issue is they cannot afford the loft they want. They can’t afford the illusion of wealth.

My apartment is not very nice, but it has character. There is no garbage disposal, no dishwasher, and no central air. However, it’s well decorated with pop art and trendy furniture.  While it goes without some modern amenities, it’s clean, smells nice and is only five blocks away from the cultural epicenter of my town.

Yes, you’re right, your luxury apartment is only a 15 minute train ride away, but, it’s also a 15 minute walk to the train and another 10 minute wait at the platform.  Now you’re looking at a 30 minute trip, still not so bad right? Wrong.

Try this scenario on for size. You just picked up a girl (or boy, no judgment here) at the bar. The bar where liquor is cheap, laughter is plentiful and inhibitions are lowered.  2am. Time to head home. Time to ride a 30 minute train home for some hanky panky, mattress mamba, or my favorite action verb: fucking.  30 minutes for fun reckless excitement to be replaced by uneasiness and second thoughts.  Your potential lay is now a 30 minute ride away from the safety of knowing where they are.  Still stoked on that 30 minute commute Romeo? I didn’t think so.

Walking home from the bar to an apartment downtown will always be preferable. Why? Because they know where the fuck they are.  Say this out loud “yeah, I’m just five blocks up the street across from the college.” Or “Yeah, we can catch the B train out of Alameda, it like 15 or so” Which sounds safer?  I’d let you decide but you probably live in the burbs.

While you’re enjoying her (or him) on the counter, if she (or he) comments on the granite, you’ve got bigger (or rather smaller) problems. Catch my drift? I am commenting on your dick size.

Move downtown, there's no way that luxury apartment is helping you get laid.

As a millennial you’re still, hopefully, enjoying a life debauchery and bohemianism.

Live where you live.

Move downtown, and watch life get better. Or don’t and stay neutered.

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